BDSM

BDSM or Bondage, Discipline & Sado-Masochism are a range of sexual practises between consenting adults. There are many myths and taboos around these sexual practises that are sometimes seen as deviant. Here we explain some aspects of BDSM and dispel some of those myths.

Bondage & Discipline, Sado-Masochism

Myths abound about BDSM & the people who practice it. They are often labeled by society as perverts or violent abusers. This is based on fear and lack of understanding. BDSM has been practiced throughout the world for centuries in many different cultures. It is done to enhance pleasure and is practiced by people of all sexualities.

BDSM is a term that covers a broad spectrum of sensual rituals, erotic games and role playing. For some people it is a lifestyle choice and for many it's an erotic activity that they share with a committed partner to enhance sexual experience. For many people BDSM is about play and fun!

Another term for BDSM is 'sensuous magic' - and is there is an excellent 'how to' guide of the same name.

BDSM requires excellent communication and a high level of trust, respect, honesty and safety. BDSM is an excellent way to encourage greater communication about what you find arousing and what you'd like to try.

Definitions

A sadist is a person who finds it pleasurable to deliver intense erotic sensation to a willing partner and to be in a sensually dominant role.

A masochist is someone who finds it arousing to receive intense erotic stimulation and to be in a sensually submissive role.

Often people enjoy indulging in both of these roles. This is called 'Switching'.

About 'Sensuous Magic'

It may or may not include actual intercourse or direct sexual stimulation.
Bondage - the art of restraining your lover. Use a silk scarf, restraints or rope...
Discipline - either verbally or physically reprimanding your partner...
Role playing - where one person takes on a dominant role (as in dom or dominatrix, top, master or mistress) and the other a submissive or passive role (sub, bottom or slave), or playing with switching gender roles.
Dressing up - often in leather or latex...
Sensory stimulation - spanking with a whip or spanker, caressing with a feather, leather, or even an ice cube or hot wax, nipple clamps or genital stimulation.
Sensory deprivation - such as blindfolding or wearing a hood, which enhances stimulation.
A session of BDSM play is usually described as a 'Scene'. Which may be theatrical or not...
Vanilla sex is the term used to describe sex that is not BDSM.

Why do people enjoy BDSM?

For many reasons! Many people find BDSM highly arousing.
BDSM allows you to take risks and push boundaries with your partner in a safe and consensual way.
You can act out your fantasies.
BDSM can be both empowering and rewarding. BDSM can give one a feeling of inner strength and control and a delicious sense of anticipation.
It can increase trust and communication in a relationship.
Its fun!

Basic guidelines for introducing BDSM into your relationship

The first step is always to talk to your partner. This is a risk as you may not know what the response will be… You may be pleasantly surprised by your partner's response. Allow each other space to talk about your desires without fear or judgment. Affirm your partner's bravery.
Create a safe word, which is often called a code word. This is a word that you both know will instantly stop the scene. It's recommended that this is a word that is not a part of your usual sexual vocabulary and is not words such as 'stop' or 'no'. This creates safety and means that words like "NO!" or "STOP" can be part of your scene which can be highly erotic.
Create some clear boundaries and make sure you talk about these before you play. They may change as you explore and get to know your limits. Make an agreement with your partner that if your boundaries change during a scene, you are able to communicate this and use your safe word.
Discuss whether your scene is to include or end with sex.
Let go of expectations.
Set some special time aside...
Do some research - there are some great books available.
Shop for toys... (you're in the right place!)
If you are interested in meeting other people that are into BDSM, there are many groups who offer support. They may have access to a dungeon or hold seminars and play parties...
We recommend you do not use excessive amounts of drugs and alcohol when indulging in BDSM. You need to be completely aware of your own limits and aware of all sensations in your body. We highly recommend playing when you are drug and alcohol free!

Bondage

The safest method is to use restraints. Leather or furlined are very comfortable. Some restraints are designed so you can escape, which you may prefer.
If using silk scarves, rope or stockings, make sure you practice your knots. Never use a slip knot that will tighten with pressure or cut off circulation. It's a good idea to have scissors handy in case you can't undo your knots.
For suspension use suspension restraints that have been designed for this particular activity.
Swings such as the Love Swing can be fun and great if your play includes sex...
Blindfolding heightens awareness and sensation, adding another trust dimension to your play.

Spanking

This brings blood to the surface under your skin, which tingles, feels warm and creates a stinging sensation.
Stimulating the nerve endings of the buttocks, back and upper thigh, for some people, is linked to direct sexual arousal.
It's fine to caress and give gentle stimulation to most areas of the body but for more intense sensation there are definitely some areas to avoid! Basically areas with more coverage of muscle and fat can take more stimulation.
Areas to avoid include the kidney area, tailbone, knees, breasts, ribs, face, head and neck. Only spank the genitals if this has been discussed.Spanking can be done with the hand (remove rings), a spanker or paddle (usually leather) a whip (often leather or suede),a flogger (a heavier whip),a cane or riding crop. There is a small whip designed for stimulating just the penis and scrotum.
Be aware of the sensation that you will deliver and make sure that your partner is OK with this level of sensation.
It takes about 20 minutes for the body to start producing natural endorphins so the sensation usually changes after this time.
Types of strokes include forehand, backhand and figure 8. Alternate pressure and find a rhythm that suits you.